Remembering Liz

I opened the paper this morning and as I glanced through the obituaries noticed that a former coworker of mine had passed away earlier this year. I hadn't seen the original notice, but today would have been her 56th birthday, and her family wanted to honor her.

Memories came to mind about how I met Liz, when I worked at Usaa and had just been assigned as a telephone operator. I remember that I had never handled multiple lines before, and felt nervous about doing so for the first time. The manager in charge asked if someone would train me, and Liz flashed me a smile, and said, "Come sit with me, honey. I'll show you how it works." I admitted to her that I was a bit apprehensive, and she comforted me by saying, "Oh, it's no big deal once you get the hang of it. It just takes a bit of practice." I watched how at ease she was with the customers, and how she spoke to them as if they were a friend. I was able to train with her for a couple of days before I actually had to take calls, and so gradually I got to know a bit about this sassy blond with the blue eyes and witty personality, who reminded me somewhat of the legendary Mae West. Liz didn't seem to be afraid of anything, and was sure to make her feelings known if necessary. I remember that she was around 5'10, and I questioned her as to why she sat so low in her chair. She glanced over at our supervisor and said, "Oh, I just don't like anyone thinking that they have to keep an eye on me. I could see how Liz's bubbly personality might clash with the somewhat stiff composure of the woman who was in charge of our unit. Liz told me that it seemed our supervisor was hoping to catch her doing something wrong, and Liz wasn't going to make it any easier for her to do so. She simply wanted to be free to be herself, and since she was polite and helpful to our customers, it seemed to be to be a reasonable request.

Liz was a larger woman, and it struck me how my smaller size didn't seem to intimidate her at all. I had grown used to the occasional snubs of people who seemed to feel that my smaller stature caused them to feel even larger than they already were. Not that I haven't had my own weight issues, but when people get into comparisons, one can sense the glaring eye of envy, and it can be a bit disconcerting, even if I have learned to ignore it for the most part. But Liz treated me the same way she treated anyone, and would occasionally offer me a hug or a smile, right when I needed it sometimes. I would occasionally glance at at her blond hair and blue eyes and ponder at just how beautiful she was, especially when she mentioned her husband. Liz was married to an older man, who obviously adored her. He had health problems, and so stayed at home while Liz worked. You could see that she was happy to do so, and in return he would find little ways to show her his love. He would make her a delicious lunch, give her flowers, and call occasionally to talk with her, and her smile would be bright when he did. Her face would glow, and Liz would say, "I love him so much. And I'm so thankful that he loves me too."

Liz sent me an email once when she was celebrating a milestone birthday. It was entitled, "An Older Woman", and it made me laugh as I read it. The part I loved best was where it said, "An older woman won't wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you how you feel about something. An older woman doesn't care how you feel..." That was amusing to me because sometimes I tended to care too much about how other people felt, and so it encouraged me to believe in myself a bit more and not feel so concerned about anyone who didn't.

Once Liz and I were delivering mail on the 3rd floor of our building. There was an insurance agent on the floor who had been requesting a missing file for the past several weeks, and Liz had offered to search for it. She had looked everywhere, on every floor, and the file seemed to have simply disappeared. On this particular day she noticed the same agent who had been requesting the file with her feet propped up on a box. Liz asked her, "Can I see that box?" It was a box of files, and it just so happened to contain the one the agent had been asking for repeatedly. I was impressed at how Liz retained her composure about the entire thing, even though the agent never even apologized.

The day came when Liz's beloved husband, Burt, passed away, and our unit was invited to attend his memorial. I think Liz's heart must have broke, that her best friend was no longer going to be a part of her life. She later retired and we eventually lost touch with one another.

When I saw the tribute to her this morning, with the sassy smile she gave as she posed for the picture, I recalled just how much this lady meant to me. Edite "Liz" Holly, thank you for caring enough to calm the fears of a coworker that you had never even met, and for confirming me as a friend from the start. Your confidant personality enabled me to determine that I wanted that same confidence in my own life. May you forever rest in peace. I know that you touched hearts while you were on this earth, as you most certainly have touched mine.

Relationship Games

I was privileged to learn from a woman who specializes in addictive and compulsive behaviors. I began counseling with her in an effort to learn how to understand and avoid unhealthy relationships. She taught me that some people play "games", and she explained how to spot them. Some of her examples were:

Who's the sick one game

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that seems to be going well, and then suddenly you feel as if you have just been insulted or snubbed? This is not the kind of deliberate snubbing that a person may do. Nor is it direct confrontation. This is a sneaky kind, sort of an underhanded "Did they just say that?" type of thing. It can be insincere flattery with a tiny insult mixed in, such as "What a nice color for you. Orange always looks nice on larger frames". Or, it can be the person who "accidentally" cuts you off in mid-sentence, beginning a completely different conversation, while turning toward someone else. I'm not speaking of people with Dementia, or any other type of thing where they would do so intentionally. I am referring to the on purpose, under handed insult, suggestion that your topic of conversation is invalid or not worthy of continuing. This game is also played when a person walks into a group, and the speaker continues to look the other participants in the eye while never acknowledging the newcomer. Obviously this game can only be played by those who don't hesitate in showing rudeness if it will give them a sense of control.

Manipulation/Control

This is where a person takes unnecessary license in demanding something from someone, and may use anger as a tool to get what they want. Anger can be shown by hostility (words, expressions, attitude) or simply by giving one the silent treatment in order to punish a person. This is not the healthy kind of anger, where there is give and take in the relationship. This is a deliberate form of control.

The Victim

In this game the person will repeatedly set themselves up as someone who needs rescued, or pitied or taken care of. They will be a martyr, in order to evoke praise and or sympathy. They will do things to cause another person's concern, even if they know that it is harmful to them. (Going barefoot outside in the winter when one is ill, eating poorly when one has been diagnosed with heart problems, doing too much and then expressing how weary they are, etc.) If they are ever truly sick, they will make sure to let others know just how miserable they are, by sounding pitiful when answering the phone or having a pained expression (and sighing), which is sure to cause another to question what is wrong.

I need to fix you

In this game a person will show concern for another in an effort to "fix" their problems. The secret about this game is that it is not done out of sincerity or consideration, but to help the person playing the game to feel a sense of superiority. In a healthy relationship, one does not attempt to "fix" someone else. They will believe in them, encourage them, or offer assistance with the firm conviction that the other person has the capability to take care of himself.


I have experienced all of these games in my life, and have learned to set boundaries as necessary in order to avoid "playing them". More and more, I appreciate the healthy relationships I have formed in my life, and shy away from any situation that feels like a game to me.

Love may be hard work at times, but one should never have to waste energy playing foolish or hurtful games.

They were my friends...

I've learned that in a healthy relationship there will be a mutual sharing of ideas and possibilities. No one person will be considered right all of the time, but both individuals will be considered to be a vital part of the other's life.

As I look back on my friendships, in particular with males, I have an appreciation for the ones who offered their take on things while also valuing my own opinion. They were firm in their convictions, and perhaps stubborn at times, but not unyielding to new insights or ideas. If they ever saw an area in my life that could be changed, they were both honest and fair in their reasoning, and so I was not so easily offended by their feedback. They also listened to me if I ever shared a valid concern, and would often make a point to make amends as was necessary.

They did not consider themselves to be infallible but at the same time were confident in their abilities and in who they were. Nor did they expect me to be perfect. In fact, they tended to look for the good in me, as I hope that I always did with them.


Why did I not end up marrying these men, and becoming a permanent part of their lives? It seems in each of my relationships, timing seems to have been a key factor. In two situations I was too young to consider marriage, though we were close in the relationship that we shared. In another our values were not completely in sync, and I knew that there must be a season of growing and learning for the both of us.


I will say that with each of them, they will always hold a special place in my heart. With each one I felt valued, respected, considered and cared for. They never raised their voice in an effort to intimidate me, nor did they ever touch me in a hurtful way. It wasn't that I never witnessed anger or frustration, or that I did not do the same. I mean that they never used their feelings as an excuse to hurt or punish me. There was never any form of manipulation or control, or suggestions that they were somehow superior to me.



I have loved each one of them as friends, and I am sure that I always will.



I fully expect that the next man I become close to will be like them. I would never settle for anything less.